Naughty & Nice Lists....Conversations with SANTA CLAUS by Lisa Morgan
"Gramma Wrinkles aka Santa Claws"
Photo Courtesy of Dina Manzo
I did it again & managed to get Beach Slapped, but this time by Santa Claus! My Reality Check bounced as usual my friends, so what else is knew?
Santa is a friend of mine & he always will be a friend!
Everyone's Santa may vary depending on your view of the world. Well, my Santa is a hip old dude who dances & likes fast sports cars, red ones. Here's a little ditty about our conversation. Your conversations may vary, therefore this disclaimer is to inform you, that my Santa may shock or amuse you depending your giggle factor for the Jiggle Man.
I spoke to Santa the other day. He was his jovial plump self as usual, somethings never change & shouldn't. He said, " So Beach, how have you been this year? Naughty or Nice?"
I replied in an inquisitive voice, " Define Naughty & define Nice Santa...I'm a Beach." Santa said firmly," Beach, you know which one you've been, so tell me truthfully."
I was hesitant to respond initially. Ultimately I knew Santa required an answer. I replied, " Santa, I've been a Good & Verrry Nice Beach this year. Okay, I want a Porsche or a Mercedes AMG Coupe, either one in black, no make the AMG Metallic Silver.....sounds like a plan." Apparently not because Santa was tapping his foot & furrowing his brow in a stern manner. I knew this could mean one thing, back on topic to the Naughty, Nice list. I said,"Santa, I know you said truthfully, so I'm going to say Nice & very much so." Santa never uttered a word as he tapped more intently & raised one eyebrow with displeasure. I decided to come clean with him saying," Okay, it's like this mostly somewhat kind of Nice, sort of possibly a smidgen of Naughty, so maybe...um a Volvo...no I meant to say a used Yugo will do.....yeah, what I meant to say was a Schwinn bike with a bell...." I could no longer hear my on pitiful list bouncing through my brain, for the stomping of Santa's foot. I decided to go for it,"Santa , I know what I wanted was a Schwinn bike, but I know a pogo stick is more like a fitting gift for a total Beach. Are You happy Santa, a pogo stick, so this Beach can bounce off the walls more than usual!"
Santa bellowed an enormous laugh & said,"Beach, I was just yanking your Chain to get you going! I'll see what I can do about a pogo stick & maybe a piece of the fore mentioned vehicles. Maybe a tail pipe from a Porsche or Mercedes, because you're such a pain in my tail all year long. Hey, on the bright side you keep on purchasing lotto tickets & maybe one day you may hit the jackpot Beach, if you do then call me, so I can completely cross you off my lists altogether. Ho, ho, ho You Crazy Beach! "
Excuse me, but did Santa just call me a Ho? Oh no he didn't! "Hey Fat Boy, are you talking to me? Yeah, I'm talking to You in the Fugly red & white size 68 suit! Who are you calling a Ho? I'll show you a Ho, flip on the TV & you can find a Ho, on almost every channel, look on most every corner & You will find a Ho! Call me a Ho will you Old Fartamus!! You can call me a Beach all day long, but Not a Ho! Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman is about meet you face to face Jiggle Man! You better get ready to rumble... You're about to get Beach Slapped!!"
Santa laughed harder & spit his milk all over me. He said, "Beach, I know what you are & Beach suits you just fine. I also know who the Ho's are as well. No names need be mentioned, they're on my List. I also have a SH*T List & You don't want to be on that list Beach! Understand? I can't believe I'm gonna have to change my Lingo. All these crazy women taking offense to Ho,Ho, Ho! Well, except the REAL HO's don't seem to mind...go figure. What should I say Beach?"
I thought for a moment & exclaimed,"Whoa, whoa, whoa....whoa lil' girl you want what? No, no, no You can forget it. Whoa,whoa,whoa...whoa Lil boy you want that? No,no,no I don't think so. The kids are out of control Santa, all of the I, I, I & Me, Me, Me...gimme, gimme..until your head is spinning. I think they should thank Mom & Dad & the Good Lord, for all that they have been given all year long. The kiddos should ask for gifts for others & then be respectful, as they write their list for Santa, keeping in mind how they truly acted."
Santa chuckled," So, Whoa & No, huh? Okay, here goes... Whoa,whoa,whoa & No, no, no the Beach ain't getting a Porsche, this year or any year, for the Fat Boy comment. Whoa... No... the Beach ain't getting even a pogo stick, for the Old Fartamus name calling. I know that Mrs. Claus' cooking does back up on me from time to time, but I try to step on to the roof, when I feel it building up. Whoa, whoa, whoa Beach, you will be getting a Swiffer floor sweeper, mouthwash & a file cabinet for Christmas."
My jaw dropped open, I grabbed my chest & fell backwards mocking Redd Foxx, from Sanford & Son,
" What do you mean Santa, you Handsome sharp dressed devil in a fire engine red suit? Swiffer, mouthwash & file cabinet....what the...are you getting enough air to the brain in your sleigh? I admit the Old Fartamus was a bit harsh, but I did see you when I was eight years old. You were bending over & positioning the presents under the tree, when you let one go that awoke the dog & darn near made me pass out. Yeah, I was out of line with the Fat Boy comment, since I too have battled the bulge of middle age... um sort of slightly over kind of.. look it can be hard for a 29 year old to keep her figure too. I can relate Santa, but you wear your plumpness very well. I mean Santa's got Back...um a round bootie & the tummy matches so....you're really
proportioned just right! Which list am I on Jiggle Man?"
Santa was rolling on the floor laughing at me saying," You Nit Wit, when you were eight, that was your Dad & he was definitely Old Fartamus, he got me too that night. The reindeer lost all sense of smell, until we reached Bora Bora, later that evening. The Swiffer is to battle those multiplying Dust Bunnies. The mouthwash is for that dirty mouth, that you kiss your Mother with & You loose control of from time to time. The file cabinet is to file away all your wants, because your Needs will be met, but your Wants can wait. Oh, one more thing Beach...to make sure you Never loose your sense of humor, I want you to have a Beach Slap from me." The next thing I knew KA-POW right on the keester. Maybe Santa should Beach slap some of these kids' booties, to snap them back into reality.
"Hey, Beach consider yourself Beach Slapped, from a Fat Boy Old Fartamus, Whoa, whoa, whoa & No, no, no...Merry Christmas, Beach Wife!"
Santa tipped his hat at me & laughed as he jumped into his Red Porsche & spun out of my driveway exclaiming,"One more thing Beach, remember I read your rantings & I'm on Twitter too! Your off my SH*T list for now Ciao Beach, Ho, ho ho!"
"Darned Old Fart just called me a Ho again!"
Naughty list Nice list Beach list SH*T list
maybe maybe definitely NO
P.S. Hey Santa, Do Not bring Congress or the Senate Anything this year, they have been Greedy Lil' A$$ES! They are on my SH*T list for the next 200 years.
P.S.S. Hey Beach, Santa here...Congress, Senate & the whole darn White House are getting Switches & lumps of Coal indefinitely. LOL, Ho, ho, ho...They're a bunch of Greedy Political Hos.
Ciao for now from a "Certifiable Beach",
Lisa Morgan aka The Beach Wife
" Gramma Wrinkles says Happy Holidays from us Beaches"
(Thanks Dina Manzo for allowing me to Grace this page with Gramma Wrinkles' beautiful face! She's a Cutie Pie!)
Can you find Ms. Roxy (the chihuahua) in this pic?
"Santa @ the Beach" By L.D. Morgan
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"Felix Claus" by L.D. Morgan
Ho, Ho, Ho ....Who You calling a Ho...I'm a BEACH!
Get a Reality Check Santa Claus I'm the Beach Wife!
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original & created by Lisa Morgan signed L. D. Morgan & Solisa Productions. The photo of Gramma Wrinkles is courtesy of Dina Manzo & can only be used with her permission." Beaches.... the Gems of the Emerald Coast" & "The Beach Wives" are registered with the WGAw & are protected.
