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 Get Beach Slapped by Lisa Morgan
I am Beach Slapping you with tidbits of info, some insightful, quirky, humorous, useful words of wisdom & clutter for your brain. You decide, which category they belong in.Take Time out for a Reality Check...... My Reality Check Just Beach Slapped Me!
My brain is a dangerous thing, when it is firing on all cylinders. These ramblings are the results of my thoughts (Be afraid, be very afraid):
✰Better to be a Smart A$$ than an A$$ without Smarts ✰Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder...hope the Beholder is Blind or @ least farsighted. ✰Life is what you make of it...I'm in my office making piles of money with the copier. Oops...Too much info! ✰Those with $hit for Brains can ONLY hope for a viral infection. ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶Have you heard of the latest in Plastic surgery injections? It's to lipo the fat from your Butt & inject it into your face as a filler. OMG! Puts a whole new meaning to the term making an A$$ out of yourself. LOL!
✰Marriage, Courage, Outrage, La Cage a Faux. When U can insert Age w/out ticking off an Over 40 Chick!
✰ Time marches on Unless you Break that sucker or take out the batteries~Lisa Morgan ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ I will admit my Age when my Hubby acts his Age. I suppose we will both be perpetually 19.....OMG! ✰I went to a public restroom in Baytowne Wharf a local shopping & dining village. The young thing who proceeded be in the toilet stall strutted by me without relaying pertinent info....No Toilet Paper. I asked," Can anyone spare a square?" No response. I asked," Does anyone have any toilet paper?" I was given a heaping handful under the stall. I replied," That's better than I can't spare a square........(crickets chirping) ...you know from The Seinfeld show!" (Again Crickets chirping) I leave the stall to see only 20 something chicks who are asking who Seinfeld is? OMG! Reality Check: Beach you are officially Old when no one in the room knows who Jerry Seinfeld is. ✰When asked what culture am I from I reply, " Redneck, Hillbilly & Southern Belle. What? I was born in Alabama. ✰My Single girlfriend said let's go antiquing on Saturday. I had NO idea she meant scouting out Rich Old farts! Note to self : Antique is code for Old Fart! ✰If life hands you melons, be grateful cause some folks got lemons. Dyslexia has it's perks! ✰When Life gives you lemons, make
lemonade...then add some vodka & spice Life up a bit! Or take the
lemonade & pour it into a super soaker water gun & spray Life
right in the eyes. LOL! ✰If you don't like the view from where you're at then get your Head out of your Butt & do something about it! You are the only obstacle between you & achieving your Dreams! ✰Public Service Announcement From the Beach Wife: Being a Diva happens to the best of us now & then, but you gotta know when to turn the Diva Dial way down... to Down to Earth. I Appreciate the Cooperation! ✰Being a Diva & a Biatch makes you a Ditch! Men don't generally dig Ditches, unless they are forced to? LOL! ✰I went to a wedding the other day & had an epiphany. Isn't it funny after your Friends are middle aged, that you go to more Funerals than Weddings, LOL! ✰When U hit middle age all You exercise is Caution....personally I know Nothing about middle age or exercise!
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Mermaid in the sand on the beach in 30A
 Sandcastle made of the pure white sands on 30A
✰God sends you Angels when you Need them the most & when You least expect them. ✰My failures serve as stepping stones to My Success. ✰It is great to have Common sense, but a sense of Humor will take you farther than a sense of Direction in Life. ✰My life is an episode of I Love Lucy, Beverly Hillbillies & Twilight Zone & Roseanne all rolled into one show, that is never ending hilarity. ✰My house is a wreck...Ahhhhh! It looks like a bunch of drunk spider monkeys were set loose bareback riding on a herd of cattle. Call the Merry Maids Quick! If they're so darn Merry let them clean this place up...I Quit! LOL! ✰My hubby said what's the new hair color? I said Honey & Vinegar #007 ! ✰My Brain needs a vacation...I wonder where Pam Anderson leaves her Brain? ✰Men have WWF , NFL & ESPN for RAW athletic action. Women have the BOGO ( Buy one get one Free) Sales. ✰My sister said I should diversify my portfolio. I said sounds like a plan. I went to Office Depot & purchased...a pink, a purple & an aqua portfolio. Looks much better now. Who knew? ✰Ever Notice how women's heels on their shoes get smaller as they age? Note to Self..Buy some 4 inch stilettos ASAP! Ahhhhhh! ✰Never under Estimate the Power of a MOTHER. Their Love can move mountains & when they call You by your full name, you had better Run for cover! ✰I'm battling the Dust Bunnies, they're fast Lil' Buggers, but I'm armed w/my Swiffer. Take that you Dirt Bags swiff...... swiff.....swiff... ✰The Dust Bunnies have formed a gang called the "Dirty Hairies". I have also formed a gang called "Git Around Tuit" ✰Why is it a
Woman's Duty is NEVER done. Kitchen duty, Laundry duty, Diaper duty,
Doggie Doodie. ✰Sugar & Spice, Forget the Sugar, Honey! Splenda is what I'm made of... I'm sweet & tasteless...oh yeah & spicy too! ✰Do men have PMS? If they do, then what is it? Post Marital Syndrome, perhaps. Permanently Me Syndrome, how about Para Mount Syndrome? No, they like ESPN much better. ✰Who says men can't multi task? My hubby Sol is watching 2 football games, a baseball game, stuffing his face with snacks & petting the dog. Hubby is happy & dog is happy, so I'm Happy! ✰Why do men get distinguished & women try to squish into jeans 2 sizes too small? Women are considered to look good for their age & be a good catch, if they work hard to keep their figures & their job makes a statement. Men can be overweight with spare tires & they are a potential good catch, if their bank statement has six or More figures. ✰Why is it if you get collagen injections in your lips, you look like a chicken's butt turned inside out? ✰Why do people start to look like their pets? OMG, I have Chihuahuas, a Sharpei & a calico cat. What on earth am I going to Morph into? ✰Can a brain freeze last for years? What about brain farts, do the same rules apply? If they do can you have a brain freeze & a brain fart simultaneously? Do you loose IQ points? That explains a Lot! ✰Why do the kitchen fairies never show up to clean my kitchen? Maybe I should call Jeff Lewis, from the show "Flipping Out", or "Queer Eye" & have them send me one. (all in good jest, LOL, please no emails, this is a JOKE.) ✰Can they put Butt Fat in your breasts? If they can there will be a lot of women with a flat bootie & Double D 's running around. Then, folks will say Butt Fat is where it's at. (Not Baby Phat, that's a song, look it up!) ✰I think paparazzi should be renamed to "Peeper Natzis", because they are insidious little trolls who lurk around taking photos, & making life miserable, for those they are stalking. The "Peeper Natzis" need to get a real job, or at least photograph people legitimately. ✰Writer "beach slaps" unsuspecting people with her incisive rantings of useless info. Film at eleven. Stay tuned, we've heard that she's not quite finished yet. Oh, no....!
A child's sandcastle built from the white sands of Santa Rosa beach on 30A in Florida
✰All the Botox, breasts implants, collagen injections, liposuction,fake nails, hair extensions, colored contacts in the world, will not beautify an UGLY Soul. Work on what truly matters, the inside & if you have time left over, work on that worn out body. ✰Mothers are the source of Life, the protectors of the innocents. They carry us on their wings, until we can fly on our own. ✰Soap operas on day time TV are no longer en vogue. Reality TV is the new soap, fictional Drama Mamas replaced with real life Drama Mamas. ✰Star Trek had that transporter that dematerialized people. What if it could transport my former 22 yr. old body, with my 40ish yr. old brain. I'd be a Bad MAMMA JAMMA! ROFL! ✰Smiles & Laughter are contagious, start an epidemic. ✰It's a proven fact Laughing relieves stress, heals your body & helps you lose weight. Okay,I'm LOL(Laughing Out Loud), ROFL(Rolling on the floor Laughing), & LMAO (Laughing my A$$ off). Let's see if it works. ✰If you are going the wrong way in life, & running stop signs, you can make a U turn. The road will be smoother going in the opposite direction of the fast lane. - Let's try this Mind over Matter Theory. Okay, Mind tell the boobs to stand @ Attention & the butt to pick itself up off the floor. Oh, like it even Matters. The Mind over Matter Theory.
- Pick your battles wisely in life & Forgive people. No one is keeping score except God.
- Can someone explain why when I slather on a facial mask which is either blue or green, that my hubby Sol says,"Did You color Your hair?" What?! Yes Hon, thanks for noticing.
- I used to be my own worst enemy, now I am a friend to myself. It took me till let's just say 29 or there about to figure a few things out.
- A child's laughter is the Sound of Music to All who hear the sounds of joy a child makes.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶My Reality Check has Bounced & Beach Slapped Me! Now I am paying Penalties, Interest & Overdue charges. I want a life that makes Sense......Dollars & Sense. Geeezzzz! - What Sicko Commie came up with the idea of a Mc Donald's Chicken salad having more fat content than a Big Mac? Was it the same guy who invented the bra, pantyhose, electrolysis, breast implants, bikini waxing & liposuction?
- I am Not Suzy Homemaker, try as I may, I burn myself in the kitchen & I hate Housework. So, I decided to name the Dust Bunnies & eat Au Natural Foods.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ Age is just a Number. Well, the only numbers I recognize are on lottos & paychecks. - Age is just a Number & my Number is Unlisted.
- My Mom always said God takes care of Fools & Drunks. Since Hubby is a musician & I'm a knuckle head, is she referring to us? Hey Mom.....we gotta talk.
- Hubby watches sports or poker & yells @ the TV, gives his opinions & expertise to the TV. is there Anger Management for Couch/Recliner Potatoes?
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶Words have the Power to Heal or Destroy. Words can also BITE you in the Butt. Choose Your Words Wisely. (1st Hand experience) - I need to be Rotated, Deflated, Inflated, Elevated oh just Upgraded! What's the tab for that? I was speaking to the Plastic Doc not the mechanic, but the total package had a similar bill. Go figure?
- The Grocery store is a form of torture for me. The foods I want, but know will make my thighs grow, mock me & call my name. It's a War of my Will Power vs. my Fat cells. It's an ongoing battle.
- Does anyone else lose their car every time they park at a shopping center? I spend more time searching for my car, than I did waiting in line behind the lady with 2 carts & 5 screaming kids. Don't tell me this is some kind of Sick Karma.
- I don't need American Idol to tell me I can't sing. My dogs howling & licking me on the mouth (meaning Please Stop!), is sufficient evidence for me. Well that & the birds ducking for cover, while the cats scream for mercy. Enough said.
- Some Women Kiss Toads who turn into Princes. While Others Kiss Princes who turn into Toads & Some Women just Kiss Toads. Go Figure?!
- All that Glitters is Not Gold, so bite first & see if leaves a mark. Why not Realty bites?
- My boobs & butt defy Gravity. They mock Gravity's very existence........
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ Dream as long as you live & Dream big for as long as you Dream. - I've gotta lay off the carrot juice. I'm starting to look like an Oompa Loompa from Willie Wonka...OMG! Rabbits are following me, ahhhhh!
- Diet is a 4 letter word. I prefer Jiggle Control. It's not as deadly sounding as DI-ET. Giggle while You Jiggle away the Ripples. Yeah, too much caffeine again what can I say?
- My Musician hubby thinks the crack of Dawn starts @ Noon. Pity the fool who attempts to wake him. Hello, Fool over here!
- Is there anything more annoying than a 25 - 30yr old model in an ad for wrinkle cream. Show me some 50 yr old looking like a hot babe & I'll buy a case of the stuff.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ Grow old gracefully...Blah, Blah, Blah..Not a chance in Hell. I'm going to grow old like my grandmother Helen did, kicking Life in the Cahoonas & gripping on to 29 so tight, that my knuckles are white. Perpetually 29 until I decide to be 39 not a second before then...when they lay me to rest.
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- Football... I'm perplexed. Men chasing a weird shaped leather ball, while pummeling each other to the ground. Much like Women @ a Designer Shoe sale, pretty much the same results too.
- Sleeping Beauty has messed up lil' girls heads for 2 generations, what woman do you know of that goes to bed& wakes up looking like Sleeping beauty? Wicked Witch of the West maybe...wrong movie...maybe Marge Simpson. Just saying..
- The only Fairy Godmother I ever had near me was a Drag Queen @ Halloween. Unless you count my trip to LA where they were everywhere after dark in Hollyweird!
- Snow White with all those lil' Fugly midget/elves, yeah she wasn't as white as she made out to be either. What was Mr. Disney smoking when he wrote these tales.
- Cinderella finds a handsome Prince & the shoe fits, so she wears it & lives happily ever after. Say What? Try that now days, most the Princes want to wear your shoes & if the shoe fits honey it's cause you packed your size 9 foot into that size 8, thinking you could change your toad into a Prince. No fairy tale there, huh! Men Don't change Mr. Disney. Girls you better like him as is when You marry him. There is no upgrade from toad to Prince. Shame on You Mr. Disney!
- If You cross a Shitzu with a Pitt Bull, then You get Brad Pitt's Fugly Brother Sh*t Pitt. (Fugly is a word, I saw it on 'Flipping Out")
- My Uncle Pete
always reminded me of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. He was singing
Xmas tunes, w/his Red nose & Flying High from a wine buzz
- Why is my Chihuahua's tongue longer than the depth of her head? Does her tongue fold up in the back of her head? I mean it is four inches long! I think My Chihuahua Roxy, is related to KISS bassist, Gene Simmons.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶The world is my Oyster & I've earned my Pearls Baby! - Do men reach an age of maturity & then their brains switch gears & go in reverse, until they are eventually four years old again? Otherwise explain their fascination with Sponge Bob, anything with sugar & napping immediately after eating & their refusal to listen to women over 40.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ In a bowl of Fruit & Nuts, I want to be the Sugar coated Strawberry standing apart from the rest of the Fruits & Nuts. - Why do women's breasts start going south for the fall months, long before men's testicles start going south for the winter?
- Why do you wake up to find a long wiry gray hair that's one inch long standing atop your head, & it was not there when you went to sleep? Although, the rest of your hair will not grow out fast enough, from that horrendous hair style your stylist said was "perfect for you".
- Why can they put a man on the moon & they can't put a man in the kitchen, who cleans it, or a man who does laundry? Yeah, that's right "The Odd Couple" Felix Unger, but he was a fictional TV character.
- Why do they Yard Gnomes never do the yard work. If that darned Travelocity Gnome can be traveling globe trotter, why can't my Yard Gnomes cut the grass, trim hedges & weed eat the yard? What is he some Super Hero Gnome?
- Growth as an individual is good for the soul & mind, but bad for the waistline & the bootie.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ They say Life is like a box of chocolates, well what happens if you eat all the chocolates? Does your meter expire? Do you gain 20 lbs.? OMG, gotta put back the chocolates. Sorry, some are half eaten. - Why is it if I attempt to watch the grass grow, then it won't, but let me turn my back & it grows a foot? Explain that feat.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ The Original Reality show was the Evening News, long before "Jerry Springer" & "The Housewives".( Do Not email me about Reality shows; I live in one Thank You Very Much!)
My beloved Beaches of South Walton County
✰Gotta go make
the bacon, bread, cake, dough...sounds like I'm a chef...No just need to
pay the bills. Would the bank take bacon or bread? ✰Drama Mamas listen up! Skip the drama in your lives, help charities, clean your house, pay attention to your children, get a job & you don't have time for the Drama. Pleeeez! ✰Let your true colors show, by helping others to grow, you will become a Rainbow. ✰Smiles are Free, give them away. They could be Priceless to the recipient. ✰We've all heard of the State of the Union, well I reside in the State of Denial. It's located near the State of Perpetual Bliss & the fountain of Youth is rumored to be in the State of Perpetual Bliss. Little known fact, there are more PLASTIC DOCS, in the State of perpetual Bliss than any other state. Sometimes I do reside in my second home in the State of Havoc. Are you familiar with Denial & Havoc? LOL ✰"Retro" is the new word for OLD. "Ho" is the new word for (let's say nicely) promiscuous. "Tight" is the new word for Good. "Sweet" also means Good. "Diva" is a nice word for a "Biatch". "Holla" used to be what you did, when Mama would chase you with a belt, now it means acknowledgment. Twitter & tweet were bird sounds, now they are words meaning to write short quips of info. Mr. Daniel Webster, would need a translator, if he were to write a dictionary today. ✰Today is the first day of all my tomorrows. I want the memories to be Good ones. ✰The News used to be highlights of local, national & world events. Now, it's the low lights of celebs & wanna be celebs who want their 15 minutes of fame to go on for hours. Much to the chagrin of the viewers of the news. ✰Do they have "Bubbas" in any other part of the world, but the southern states of the USA? Specifically, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana. Kid Rock is proof that there are Rednecks in other parts of the USA besides the South. Is Kid Rock a Bubba? Hmmmm......could be. ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶When you're young you get turned on with the flip of a light switch. As we grow older, it's more like you have to go to the breaker box & flip on all the switches. There's still the possibility that you be using candle light. LOL! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶I Always Fly by the Seat of my Pants & that would explain All the Wedgies. ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶The Harder You fall when you fail, the Higher you will Bounce. My butt hurts from All the bouncing. - I Love Shoes! I refuse to spend a fortune on a pair of shoes, because I often Stick my Foot in my Mouth. I have been known to put my Foot up Someone's Butt. Therefore, I find it to be frivolous & I prefer to have shoes I can Afford to loose. LOL! It's a joke! I haven't stuck my foot up any butt's since the surgeon said, " This is No longer covered under Your health care plan!"
- I'm doing the Housekeeping Hustle, a dance known to those who avoid housework, until guests are coming to visit, then we hustle to hide the debris.
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶Brain says, "Stop this Madness"! Fingers say,"No, we love talking/writing trash." Brain says,"I win. I always Win!" Fingers flip Brain the finger. LOL! - Hubby says, " I want eggs & bacon for breakfast. Is there any coffee?" I reply,"Yeah there's coffee, would you like toast & juice too? I'll call Playboy & see if they have a Bunny, who will bring your order to you on a silver platter. Hey baby, if You're gonna Dream, dream big. Go to Martha Stewart Champ." LOL!
- I feel Fantabulous! Life is good & I feel the winds of change blowing my way! No...wait.. that was a Dog FART. False Alarm, as you were....
- My friend Tina said,"I'm going to see the Wizard to ask for a brain." I replied," Bring me back a pair of Boobs (they usually come in pairs), a new derriere, & 2 brains. You can NEVER have enough Brains my dear!"
- My Mantra for Life: Dream, Believe, Achieve, Give, Forgive, Live, Bless, Success, Dream & Pass it on.
- Help, I need a TWITTER intervention! Hubby Sol needs a Garage intervention! Where is Martha Stewart, when You need her? Oh yeah, Martha Stewart is on Twitter while she cleans her garage. Go figure!
✰It's a good thing I don't have eyes in the back of my head or I'd see the size of my Butt. Geez.. ✰Karaoke is Japan's way of getting us back for David Hasselhoff. ✰Live, Laugh & Love will get you into Trouble Honey! Believe me that's how I landed my husband. ✰Got to buy some more Marbles. I shook my head & the remaining Marbles hit the floor & headed for the hills. Beverly Hills to be Precise. ✰The garage stuff is multiplying just like the laundry. Their both having more sex than me...oh get over it...like your laundry isn't too! ✰"What's Up?", my friend says to me. I reply "Well, let's see Not the boobs, Not the butt, oh the wig job is up, bills are up, the weight is up, technically up & down. Oh, too much info, sorry." Friend looks @ me like I'm from Mars shaking her head. ✰Pets are Great Assets to our lives. My Pets bring me to Laughter & Joy everyday. Please Adopt an Animal from a Shelter or Rescue & Save a Life. Thank You You will be Blessed Richly! ✰Hugs are better than Bed Bugs people, so wise up! LOL!
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I hope you pondered these quips & had a giggle,or a hardy laugh. If so, my job is complete, for that was my goal. Laughter is contagious, so spread some giggle germs & make someone smile. Smiling is also contagious. Keep it up & we'll have the world laughing & smiling. Wouldn't that be a sight, Donald Trump without a grimace? It's hard to smile, laugh & be cheerful & cause suffering to another creature. Be kind today, commit a random act of kindness, for no reason except it's the right thing to do. Smile & laugh, it makes people will wonder what you are thinking. Bless others & you too will be blessed even more. Look around you, each of us is blessed with talents, even if we have not developed those talents yet. Find something to be Grateful for & Give Thanks. Last but not least Prayer does work, so believe, achieve, receive, give, live & forgive. Be a Beach, join the "Beach Wives" & The "Beach Posse" we're changing minds & attitudes as fast as we change our wardrobes. Check out my show "Beaches, the Gems of the Emerald Coast!" Until, I come up with some more Beach Slaps to hit you with, I'll say Ciao for now my Friends.
"They call me Mellow Yellow, but I will Beach Slap you!"
You have been Officially Beach Slapped by, Lisa Morgan ( the Original Beach Wife)
Photos by Sol Morgan & Lisa Morgan
No portion of this website may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the prior consent of Lisa Morgan & Solisa Productions. "Beaches....Gems of the Emerald Coast" & "The Beach Wives" are registered with the WGAw.
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